I’ll Be Happier When I’m A Size 2

Many many years ago, before I had my kids, I was out shopping for new clothes and I came across this really nice pair of grey pinstriped pants. I quickly grabbed the last pair off the rack and headed towards the changing room area.

Much to my pleasure, they fit like a glove!

Up until that day my usual pant size ran at about size 5/6, depending on the brand. But when I checked the size on these pants I was surprised! Size 3. I was overjoyed. I had been working out a lot at the time so Imagine that played a big part!

The funny thing is that after the initial “overjoy” moment, I thought, “Now to get into a size 2!”

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I have never managed to actually get there. I can’t even get my leg into a size 2. Not happening. And guess what? It didn’t change a single thing about me or my life not being able to get one size smaller. But in my head I had thought that one size smaller would make me happier.

Here’s the thing, we often confuse happiness with excitement. That feeling we get with a new car, a bigger paycheck, a smaller dress size, another baby, a new job, a new house, ect. is more often than not, excitement. Because happiness has no semicolon.

Excitement is the feeling you get when a goal or milestone is reached. The feeling both kids and adults get when buying something new or going on a new adventure. And just as quickly as it spikes, excitement also dies fast and hard.

Happiness, on the other hand, doesn’t need anything to be felt.

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The truth is though, how many of us have said, I’ll be happier when…?

I’ll be happier when I upgrade my cell phone.
I’ll be happier when I have a new car.
I’ll be happier when I have a bigger place to live.
I’ll be happier when I get a pay raise.
I’ll be happier when I get promoted.
I’ll be happier when I reach a new rank.
I’ll be happier when my kids reach the fun age.
I’ll be happier when…
I’ll be happier when….
I’ll be happier when……

No you won’t.

And I’m not saying this because I’m some happiness guru. I’m saying this from experience. I’m saying this because I know a size 2 always ends with, maybe if I just get to a size 1.

A new home always ends with, we should go bigger.
A new car always ends with, I can’t wait for next years model!
And reaching goals & milestones always ends with making new ones.

I’m going to end this by making a point. Rather, a passing thought I had today.

You see, my “size 2” now has changed. I could care less about the size of my jeans. But my reputation, my purpose, is now my size 2.
Years and years ago I wanted a baby SO bad. Everytime I had unprotected sex I would think, this is it! And the day my period was expected to show and was a few hours late, I’d take a test…only to be let down so many times.
Then I had Ryver, my eldest, and I was one happy woman!! Only, a few months later, I wanted another baby.

See where I am going with this?

I thought working from home would make me happy, and when one company didn’t workout (mainly because I wasn’t dedicated), I would hop to another one.
I thought a cute selfie that got 50 likes online would make me happy, and when it happened, I thought, the next one’s gotta be better.

So, passing thought, I’m jumping around here, sorry. Today I thought, how would a big life make me happier?

And the truth is, its all a mirage. There is a reason why so many celebrities who ‘have it all’ are the ones who die of drug overdoses or suicide because of depression. Because having it all doesn’t make you happier. It makes you excited, for awhile. But not happier.

When you realize nothing is lacking, the whole world belongs to you. ~ Lao Tzu

Until next time,

Tanya ❤

 

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Figuring Out Who I Am

I have a question? Are you a fan of the TV Show, This Is Us?

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If not, you should be. 😛

In this week’s episode Kevin is talking to his niece, Tess, and they’re talking about the anxiety and fears that are often attached when you’re trying to figure out who you are as a person.

And then Kevin says, and this is what got me, “I don’t think we figure out exactly who we are all at once. I think it happens over a long period of time, like piece by piece.”

He continued: “Take me for instance: A couple years ago, I get close with your dad and I find a piece of myself. And then I meet your aunt and I find another piece of myself. I think that’s sorta how it works, you know? I think we go through this life slowly but surely, just collecting these little pieces of ourselves that we can’t really live without until eventually we have enough of them we feel whole.”

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher. I loved kids! I begged to babysit every opportunity I had. And, get this, I wanted 26 kids of my own. (Imagine? My poor uterus!)

When I got older I wanted to sing. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard me sing but, in the brutally honest words of something Simon Cowell once said to a contestant, “Does God have a return policy? If He gave me that voice I’d give it back.

When I was finally old enough to work though, guess where I got my foot in the door? Restaurant work!

When I was born, I was immediately born into a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
When I was a pre-teenager my parents left the Witnesses and became Baptists (Christians). I spent all of my teen years as a Christian until this is what defined me.

As an early adult I began questioning what I believed in, who I was, what I wanted to do. My answer, after a lot of soul searching, was LOVE. That’s what was real to me. That I love others, love the Earth (my home), and love myself.

However, despite this awakening, I have still spent so many years now trying to figure it out. What my purpose is, what my calling is, what sets my soul on fire.

When I watched this episode of This Is Us and I heard what Kevin said, it made sense in such a real way!

Because maybe our lives are not supposed to be figured out. At least not all at once. Maybe the answers we’re looking for lie in each moment, in every risk we take, every friend we meet, & every memory we make.

There are no rules. You don’t have to have ONE job your whole life. You don’t have to like ONE flavor of ice cream. You don’t have to date the same person FOREVER if you’re unhappy. You don’t have to have all the answers in a fishbowl all at once.

And even if you do, even if you think you have figured out your life, you have a grand plan, you know what you love and who you are….the Universe can throw a stick in your path that will derail all of that and you’re back to square one.

So, moral is, just enjoy the ride. Enjoy the pieces. Enjoy that cup of coffee, that hug your child just gave you, the book you’re reading, your family & your friends.

Because at the end of the day, all these little things are telling your story and helping you figure out who you are and where you’re supposed to be.

~Tanya~

 

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What If I Don’t Have A Dream?

So I did a thing. Well, I bought a thing. The new Rachel Hollis book, Girl, Stop Apologizing. 

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When I ordered it I was excited! When it arrived in the mail yesterday, I was excited! But when I sat down to read it last night, I was…well I have some thoughts.

First of all, I do LOVE Rachel Hollis.

She reminds me of the version of myself had I remained a Christian.

I love her energy, her mom-vibe, & her writing.

What got me here, on my blog, has nothing to do with her but more to do with the subject and the basis of the book itself. Most books now. Well, almost all books.

I adore personal development. You just have to know that about me. I will never stop reading books on self-love, confidence, and being the best version of me. I’m cheesy but I love love love books like this.

The problem is that so many books now focus on how to be the best version of yourself as a _________________.

How to set big goals.
How to dream big.
How to be a better…
How to attract people on social media.

Basically, books on how to rise to the top. Books on how to make all your dreams come true while becoming a picture perfect version of yourself.

“So, what’s the problem?” you ask.

Well, what if you don’t have a dream? What if you still have no idea what it is you love to do or what you want to do? What if you simply are in a phase of your life where you just wanna be a better person without the big dreams, without the big goals, and without the stardom?

Or, WHAT IF *gasp* you are simply content without all of that stuff?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t want more. Life is huge and we should always stay curious and ambitious.

It just seems like there is so much out there about being a ‘Boss Babe’ but where are the books applauding women who not only choose but are happy living a simple life? Where are the books that say, “Don’t have a dream? That’s okay!” And why aren’t more women who are waitresses, nurses, desk clerks, stay at home moms, ect posting their “Boss Babe” selfies online?

When I was a little girl, my first recollection of a ‘dream’ was that I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I loved kids!

Another dream was that I wanted to be a singer. Unfortunately I was not gifted with a golden set of vocal chords and no matter how much I tried to sound like Britney Spears (I was young, leave me alone), it wasn’t happening.

I’ve signed up with a couple different work at home jobs as well thinking THAT was the dream. That I had finally found my purpose. And yet I sit here and write this, with a coffee next to me, after baking cookies with my son, and admit that I still don’t really know what the dream is.

I just know that I’m happy where my life is at in this current moment. I love being a stay at home mom, despite the amount of effort it sometimes requires. Despite hearing people’s, “Oh, just a stay at home mom? That’s…cool.

I’ll admit that I have cried a few tears over the last decade feeling like I wasn’t good enough yet. Like being a mom wasn’t enough. Like I had to be something bigger to be recognized, to have a fulfilled sense of purpose.

And so when I opened Rachel’s book last night I felt a sense of dread. A sense of, ‘ugh, not another ‘DREAM BIG’ book.’

Like I said, I love her and I know there is a BIG place for this subject right now because so many people, especially women, are working from home and making their marks. And that’s okay. Nothing wrong with it. I’ve done it and a lot of GOOD has come out of it.

I guess I am just at a place in my life where I need a book that praises living a simple life while continuing to grow & challenge myself as a person.

But until I find that book, I am going to leave you with this:

Wherever you are at in life, no matter how old or how young you are, just know that you can be happy even without a big dream. Happiness is not always found in success and success is not always defined the same by each person.

Your happy place is your happy place, wherever that looks like for you.

And maybe you discover your big dream someday or maybe you don’t. The only thing that matters is that you are happy and that you never lose your sense of curiosity.

Stay simple or dream big, just remember it’s your life, not theirs.

Tanya

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The Next Rachel Hollis

In this very moment I am sitting here anxiously awaiting the arrival of my 3 siblings who’ve decided to road trip it from PEI to come visit for the weekend.

I am ecstatic!!

I haven’t seen them since June of last year at my wedding.

So while I sit, impatiently, and wait…I decided to give this blog another go-at-it.

You see, yesterday I tried. I tried. I tried again. But I am not a patient person and the Virgo in me is a HUGE perfectionist, so there is A LOT of backspacing that goes on when I write.

So why bother with a blog?

Because I can’t shut my brain off!!! That’s why.

There are literally about six novels being written in my head on a daily basis.
Who’s an over-thinker?
I am!

Also, not saying I’m the next Rachel Hollis, but when I read her book I thought, “I could totally write this book.

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But like I said, I am super impatient and a perfectionist. So for now, all you fans out there get a blog 😉 You’re welcome.

Now that I’ve covered that, the BIG question is: what do I write about?

I could tell you about the time I was proposed to by a 70-year-old man. Not kidding. Real proposal.
I could tell you all the adventures I’ve had as a mom. (SO many poop stories!)
Or the time my minivan rear ended a 15-passenger van that was hauling the Three Days Grace band. True story.

I can get to those another time though (except the poop stories, I may leave those in the past).

Oh yay! Incoming text from the little sis….they are a few hours away 😀 Best-Friday-Ever!!

When I decided I wanted to blog again, well, I was actually inspired to do so while following my girl friend’s blog Let There Be Fight. She received some gut wrenching news and decided to blog about it every day. Real. Raw. Honest. Funny. Emotional.

It got me thinking about how we all have so much to share, so much to say, and yet we mostly hide behind our filtered pictures on social media. It’s gotten to a point that when someone shares the raw & real genuine stuff, it’s actually refreshing.

I currently have 423 friends on my Facebook and over 500 followers on Instagram. The number of people who actually know me? *Raises up 10 fingers*

So I’m blogging. Until I am patient enough to write an actual book, I’m opening up on here. I want people to know me. The real version, not just the girl in front of the snapchat filtered pictures who sells Avon and posts about her kids.

“The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find many hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, books that were never written, songs that were never sung, inventions that were never shared, cures that were never discovered, all because some people were too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.”

It goes without saying that the graveyard is also the one place in the world filled with the most untold stories, wisdom, and knowledge.

If all I ever do is blog, so be it. But I’ll be damned if all people remember me by are my social media posts.

I’ve got a lot to say (six novels in my brain, baby!). I’ll be honest, I’ll be raw, I’ll share secrets, some stuff may even shock you. But I promise, I won’t be boring…and I will try really hard not to share my children’s poop stories.

Talk Soon,

Tanya

 

 

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I Am a Mom and I Feel Lost

Recently I was fortunate enough to spend the afternoon with a girl friend. We sat out in the sun and talked about all kinds of stuff women talk about. Coincidentally, we are also both moms.

Before having kids you (considering you are female and reading this) you are considered a “woman”. After having kids you are considered a “mom”. Not just in title or in theory, but in reality.

I’ll be honest, I’m a SAHM (stay at home mom) and most of my friends and social life is thanks to Social Media. Which is great, helps me keep a bit more sane interacting with other adults online. BUT there is nothing like interacting with adults in FACE TIME. Person to person.

I think something ALL (or most) moms can relate to is that we start to feel like we’ve lost ourselves transitioning from “woman” to “mom”. We see old pictures and think, “Who IS that girl?” Not just physically (let’s face it…most of us know what it’s like to have our bodies physically change after having kids) but also emotionally, mentally, & characteristically.
This happened to me.
However, I didn’t actually SEE it or FEEL it happening day to day. I just kinda woke up one day and realized how completely lost I felt as a woman and how found I felt as a mom.

SO, when my girl friend came over the other day and we got to sit outside and talk for hours (even though our kiddo’s were out there with us playing in the grass and finding caterpillars), it made me FEEL like a woman again. Yes, I’m a mom, I always will be. But the interaction was nice.

Which kinda brings me to my point (yes I have a point!). Maybe it’s not that we are lost at all. Maybe we’re still in there. But we become so attached to our kids and feel so guilty not involving them in our day to day activities (let’s face it…every mom tears up a bit the first time she leaves her child with a sitter or at daycare) that this eventually makes us feel lost. We forget who and what we are when our kids are not there, right?

But I think…… …… …….wait, no, let me rephrase……. I KNOW we need time apart from our kids. ALL moms, I don’t care who you are. It’s hard, I know. I hate leaving and seeing them cry cause they aren’t being included. But it’s mandatory for everyone’s sanity. And let’s face it, if you are in a relationship, it’s mandatory for your sex life as well!

I’m not telling you what to do…hell, this is something I have to work on too! But if you do feel like a woman who has lost herself in the process of having kids, take it upon yourself to get out there and DO things without your kids. Find friends to go out and have dinner with. Start doing things you did before. Put make up on, wear white, buy heels, do your hair, go get a manicure, ect ect ….whatever your cup of tea is…whatever made you feel like a woman before.

She IS in there, you just have to let her out.

And then, when all is said and done, go snuggle your kids and appreciate being a mom again. 😉

girl time

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I Just Want To Laugh, Cry, Have Sex, & Eat Chocolate

Gosh, there are so many neurological problems these days, aren’t there? Stress, depression, anxiety, bi-polar, schizophrenia, ect. All somehow related but at the same time they have their own unique identity.

What’s worse is struggling with them, feeling completely alone even though most of us are dealing with one or the other at some point or another! Most of us are just too shy or scared to come out and say it because, well, that releases a whole new wardrobe of problems like being judged, ridiculed, shamed, being embarrassed, ect. Point being, you already have a problem, why add onto it? Might as well put a smile on your face, update your Facebook status to happy-go-lucky, and paint rainbows. Stupid rainbows. (Just kidding, who hates rainbows?!)

I posted the title of this with the word “Sex” because I knew the majority of you would be like, “What’s this now?” and click on my link to read this post. Yeah, I think the way you think 😉 But the point I am trying to get across is really just that I wanna be free from all these things that hold me back and make me feel trapped, don’t you?

I want to eat chocolate and french fries and pizza and beer without feeling guilty. Without feeling crap about how this will probably make me gain a couple pounds by tomorrow. I want to laugh even when no one else is laughing, because who gives a fuck. See, I said I bad word, I shouldn’t have cause it’s inappropriate…but it goes to show my point, I don’t wanna have to think, “Oh I better not type that cause people are reading this and might get offended.” I mean, stupid is a bad word too but I used it in accordance with rainbows and my guess is no one cared.  Am I right?

I want to watch TV with friends and be able to cry when something sad or touching happens, and I don’t wanna have to think about who may be pointing and laughing at my sorry ass (NOT a bad word…actually an animal 😉 ) for being emotional over a TV show.

I wanna LET GO (let it gooo, let it goooo….okay I’ll stop) and stop being afraid of my emotions and feelings and ultimately being afraid of being called out for who I am. Don’t you? Wouldn’t it be freeing to just not give a damn unless you really actually had to? To stand in line while there are 10 people behind you and take your time placing your order. To cross a cross walk and not have to basically RUN across because the people in their cars are impatiently waiting for you to move your ass. To be an asshole and not worry in that moment what this may do to your reputation. FREE!

I, for one, am tired of always living inside my head. Listening to everything it tells me. “Don’t do that, it’s risky.” “Might not wanna take the plunge, you could fail.” “Oh, you don’t wanna be honest right now, it might cost you.” “Don’t eat that chocolate bar, you’ll gain 250 calories.” “Put your make up on. God forbid you go out looking like you just rolled out of bed.”

You with me? Ever had these little voices talk to you too? Isn’t it incredibly annoying? So annoying, in fact, that if these voices were Facebook friends, you would have deleted them by now!

Some days I just honestly feel like one day I am gonna wake up in a hospital bed at 98 years old and think, “why the hell did I listen every time?” I don’t wanna feel like I haven’t lived enough. Not at 98 and not now. Whether living means jumping out of a plane or simply writing a book or finding FUN things that make me smile and doing them….like having sex 😉 There ya go, I talked about sex, the title wasn’t a total fluke.

To conclude, because I know by now your little voices are probably saying, “You better close this blog and get back to Facebook, you might miss something interesting in the newsfeed…” I just wanna go out on a limb here and be a hypocrite and talk the talk; give advice I am still working on myself and say….GO, LIVE!
Let’s just forget the voices that taunt us and “be 10X bolder” (this is an expression created by Cesar L. Rodriguez, not me). How much bigger a bite could we get out of life if we just let go a little bit and lived a lot more?! Think about it. Or better yet, don’t think….”just do it” (Nike, not me)  😉

let go

Tanya~

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Call Me a Selfish Prude….

May 11th-

As Mother’s Day 2015 wraps up, I would like to share this years experience.
I am a mother of 2 boys, ages (currently) 4 & 5. The last 5 years of my life have changed drastically. I no longer sleep for an uninterrupted 8 hours a night, I usually have to share what’s on my plate, and my home does not EVER stay clean for more than one hour unless no one is in it.

Motherhood has changed me as well. I can no longer do jumping jacks without feeling the sudden urge to pee a little, my boobs are no longer nice and perky, I no longer wear white unless I am feeling daring, and I love with a love so deeply it’s hard to believe it exists. Cause I’m a mom.

Mother’s Day is also bittersweet for me as well because I lost my mother to breast cancer years ago. It was unfortunate, it didn’t run in the family, but for some unknown reason she got it and didn’t make it. So Mother’s Day (my eyes swell even as I write this) is both enlightening and disheartening for me.

I’m part of many mommy groups online, mostly on Facebook, and on Mother’s Day I saw and heard a lot of mom’s complaining about how they were dissatisfied with the outcome of their day and lack of appreciation from their spouse and friends, ect.
I get that most of us have been brought up to try and avoid being selfish, but I do believe there are some days it’s okay to feel like you deserve a little extra. Mother’s Day isn’t just about telling your mom how grateful you are for her, it’s also a day for you to celebrate your mom friends and for them to celebrate you. Mothers are kind of united and we need to feel like we’re doing a good job, and its nice to be told we are by lots of people at least once a year!

So to wrap this up, I’m saying, don’t feel bad for feeling selfish on Mother’s day. You earned it. You’re allowed to put yourself first, it’s not a bad thing. Love yourself, know you are worth more, and celebrate that!

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