I Am a Mom and I Feel Lost

Recently I was fortunate enough to spend the afternoon with a girl friend. We sat out in the sun and talked about all kinds of stuff women talk about. Coincidentally, we are also both moms.

Before having kids you (considering you are female and reading this) you are considered a “woman”. After having kids you are considered a “mom”. Not just in title or in theory, but in reality.

I’ll be honest, I’m a SAHM (stay at home mom) and most of my friends and social life is thanks to Social Media. Which is great, helps me keep a bit more sane interacting with other adults online. BUT there is nothing like interacting with adults in FACE TIME. Person to person.

I think something ALL (or most) moms can relate to is that we start to feel like we’ve lost ourselves transitioning from “woman” to “mom”. We see old pictures and think, “Who IS that girl?” Not just physically (let’s face it…most of us know what it’s like to have our bodies physically change after having kids) but also emotionally, mentally, & characteristically.
This happened to me.
However, I didn’t actually SEE it or FEEL it happening day to day. I just kinda woke up one day and realized how completely lost I felt as a woman and how found I felt as a mom.

SO, when my girl friend came over the other day and we got to sit outside and talk for hours (even though our kiddo’s were out there with us playing in the grass and finding caterpillars), it made me FEEL like a woman again. Yes, I’m a mom, I always will be. But the interaction was nice.

Which kinda brings me to my point (yes I have a point!). Maybe it’s not that we are lost at all. Maybe we’re still in there. But we become so attached to our kids and feel so guilty not involving them in our day to day activities (let’s face it…every mom tears up a bit the first time she leaves her child with a sitter or at daycare) that this eventually makes us feel lost. We forget who and what we are when our kids are not there, right?

But I think…… …… …….wait, no, let me rephrase……. I KNOW we need time apart from our kids. ALL moms, I don’t care who you are. It’s hard, I know. I hate leaving and seeing them cry cause they aren’t being included. But it’s mandatory for everyone’s sanity. And let’s face it, if you are in a relationship, it’s mandatory for your sex life as well!

I’m not telling you what to do…hell, this is something I have to work on too! But if you do feel like a woman who has lost herself in the process of having kids, take it upon yourself to get out there and DO things without your kids. Find friends to go out and have dinner with. Start doing things you did before. Put make up on, wear white, buy heels, do your hair, go get a manicure, ect ect ….whatever your cup of tea is…whatever made you feel like a woman before.

She IS in there, you just have to let her out.

And then, when all is said and done, go snuggle your kids and appreciate being a mom again. 😉

girl time

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I Just Want To Laugh, Cry, Have Sex, & Eat Chocolate

Gosh, there are so many neurological problems these days, aren’t there? Stress, depression, anxiety, bi-polar, schizophrenia, ect. All somehow related but at the same time they have their own unique identity.

What’s worse is struggling with them, feeling completely alone even though most of us are dealing with one or the other at some point or another! Most of us are just too shy or scared to come out and say it because, well, that releases a whole new wardrobe of problems like being judged, ridiculed, shamed, being embarrassed, ect. Point being, you already have a problem, why add onto it? Might as well put a smile on your face, update your Facebook status to happy-go-lucky, and paint rainbows. Stupid rainbows. (Just kidding, who hates rainbows?!)

I posted the title of this with the word “Sex” because I knew the majority of you would be like, “What’s this now?” and click on my link to read this post. Yeah, I think the way you think 😉 But the point I am trying to get across is really just that I wanna be free from all these things that hold me back and make me feel trapped, don’t you?

I want to eat chocolate and french fries and pizza and beer without feeling guilty. Without feeling crap about how this will probably make me gain a couple pounds by tomorrow. I want to laugh even when no one else is laughing, because who gives a fuck. See, I said I bad word, I shouldn’t have cause it’s inappropriate…but it goes to show my point, I don’t wanna have to think, “Oh I better not type that cause people are reading this and might get offended.” I mean, stupid is a bad word too but I used it in accordance with rainbows and my guess is no one cared.  Am I right?

I want to watch TV with friends and be able to cry when something sad or touching happens, and I don’t wanna have to think about who may be pointing and laughing at my sorry ass (NOT a bad word…actually an animal 😉 ) for being emotional over a TV show.

I wanna LET GO (let it gooo, let it goooo….okay I’ll stop) and stop being afraid of my emotions and feelings and ultimately being afraid of being called out for who I am. Don’t you? Wouldn’t it be freeing to just not give a damn unless you really actually had to? To stand in line while there are 10 people behind you and take your time placing your order. To cross a cross walk and not have to basically RUN across because the people in their cars are impatiently waiting for you to move your ass. To be an asshole and not worry in that moment what this may do to your reputation. FREE!

I, for one, am tired of always living inside my head. Listening to everything it tells me. “Don’t do that, it’s risky.” “Might not wanna take the plunge, you could fail.” “Oh, you don’t wanna be honest right now, it might cost you.” “Don’t eat that chocolate bar, you’ll gain 250 calories.” “Put your make up on. God forbid you go out looking like you just rolled out of bed.”

You with me? Ever had these little voices talk to you too? Isn’t it incredibly annoying? So annoying, in fact, that if these voices were Facebook friends, you would have deleted them by now!

Some days I just honestly feel like one day I am gonna wake up in a hospital bed at 98 years old and think, “why the hell did I listen every time?” I don’t wanna feel like I haven’t lived enough. Not at 98 and not now. Whether living means jumping out of a plane or simply writing a book or finding FUN things that make me smile and doing them….like having sex 😉 There ya go, I talked about sex, the title wasn’t a total fluke.

To conclude, because I know by now your little voices are probably saying, “You better close this blog and get back to Facebook, you might miss something interesting in the newsfeed…” I just wanna go out on a limb here and be a hypocrite and talk the talk; give advice I am still working on myself and say….GO, LIVE!
Let’s just forget the voices that taunt us and “be 10X bolder” (this is an expression created by Cesar L. Rodriguez, not me). How much bigger a bite could we get out of life if we just let go a little bit and lived a lot more?! Think about it. Or better yet, don’t think….”just do it” (Nike, not me)  😉

let go

Tanya~

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Call Me a Selfish Prude….

May 11th-

As Mother’s Day 2015 wraps up, I would like to share this years experience.
I am a mother of 2 boys, ages (currently) 4 & 5. The last 5 years of my life have changed drastically. I no longer sleep for an uninterrupted 8 hours a night, I usually have to share what’s on my plate, and my home does not EVER stay clean for more than one hour unless no one is in it.

Motherhood has changed me as well. I can no longer do jumping jacks without feeling the sudden urge to pee a little, my boobs are no longer nice and perky, I no longer wear white unless I am feeling daring, and I love with a love so deeply it’s hard to believe it exists. Cause I’m a mom.

Mother’s Day is also bittersweet for me as well because I lost my mother to breast cancer years ago. It was unfortunate, it didn’t run in the family, but for some unknown reason she got it and didn’t make it. So Mother’s Day (my eyes swell even as I write this) is both enlightening and disheartening for me.

I’m part of many mommy groups online, mostly on Facebook, and on Mother’s Day I saw and heard a lot of mom’s complaining about how they were dissatisfied with the outcome of their day and lack of appreciation from their spouse and friends, ect.
I get that most of us have been brought up to try and avoid being selfish, but I do believe there are some days it’s okay to feel like you deserve a little extra. Mother’s Day isn’t just about telling your mom how grateful you are for her, it’s also a day for you to celebrate your mom friends and for them to celebrate you. Mothers are kind of united and we need to feel like we’re doing a good job, and its nice to be told we are by lots of people at least once a year!

So to wrap this up, I’m saying, don’t feel bad for feeling selfish on Mother’s day. You earned it. You’re allowed to put yourself first, it’s not a bad thing. Love yourself, know you are worth more, and celebrate that!

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Living Inside your Head

Many people wonder the same thing about others, “What are they thinking?” It’s an age old question. It’s why the #1 fear is Public Speaking. We’re afraid of what others are thinking….specifically, what they are thinking of us.

That fear can prevent us from so many opportunities and many of life’s challenges that help us grow and become better people.

Social media is a fantastic outlet. One that has allowed us all to become the people we’d like to be, but aren’t %100 of the time. Let’s face it, many of us don’t share the “nasty” moments. We don’t post about how we yelled at our kids, flipped our bosses behind their back, had a fight with the spouse, or our many daily frustrations like how we burnt dinner or our paychecks weren’t as big as we’d hoped this week.

No, social media allows us to present our best selves. You know, the Selfies, for instance. Our best shots. Those pix we think we look damn good in. The best of the best. We can post motivating quotes which we never actually put into practice, we just want more “likes” on our stuff.

It’s not real, not all of it anyways. Which is a damn shame since many of us will grow old and die without our 500 Facebook friends really knowing who we are.

So what the hell does any of this have to do with living inside our heads. Well, we all have voices in there. Not the crazy voices that tell us to run naked down the street (or maybe you do…I don’t wanna know!), but rather the voices that belittle and bully…you.
You’re a bad mom, you’ll never get that job, you’re not thin enough, you’re too thin, your new friend doesn’t really like you, you smile too much, you don’t smile enough, your teeth aren’t white enough, those extra 2lbs make you less of a person, ect. Those voices.

Living inside your head is something we don’t talk about on social media because we want people to like us. But in order to be liked, sometimes you have to be understood.

Without bringing up any names, there’s this girl on my Facebook who seems to have the perfect life. Great job, great kids, great husband, great home, great family, great health, extremely fit, … seems to have it all. Then one day she posts on her status and I’ll always remember because she shared some stuff about herself that was outside day-to-day life on Facebook. It made me think, “Ah, she IS  a real person!”

There is SO much we don’t know about each other. And everyday that stress of keeping it in and trying to paint ourselves picture perfect on social media or to friends, family, the lady at the post office, ect. takes a little bit more out of us. If only we all really knew what the voices in all of our heads were saying to us, we’d realize that perfection ceases to exist and we’re all messed up 😛 And then maybe, just maybe, those voices would cease to haunt us anymore because for once we’d simply be okay and accepting of our quirky flaws that make us different and yet all the same.

head

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Love, Marriage, and My One Day ‘Fredding’…

CR-706509Lately I have been on a HUGE wedding fever binge, re-posting things from Pinterest almost everyday. There are so many great ideas to choose from, but I do have a picture painted in my mind of what my “one day” Day will be like.

However, when I brought this up to my man it caused a bit of conflict because he & I have different views on this whole ‘making it official’ thing.

You see, I don’t believe that in order to get married you really have to sign the damn piece of paper or hire an officiant. Of course, many people disagree with me and think that there really is no point in having a wedding unless you make it official on paper. But I disagree.

I am calling my ‘someday wedding’ a Fredding because in the eyes of others it is a fake wedding. I’ll explain…

I don’t plan on hiring an officiant (unless this is what would make my man happy in the end), nor will I say the traditional vows. I will not promise “forever” to a guy because quite honestly forever isn’t mine to give. I mean, even if I were to say, “for the rest of my life”, that wouldn’t be fair. Let me ask you this, how many times in your life have you used that word and not followed through due to life circumstances? “We’re going to be Best Friends forever!” Have you ever told someone this, maybe in your childhood? Then years go by and you both move on, get new friends, and are simply memories to one another? It is not to say that your memories were bad…in fact they were probably great. But the friendship did not last forever.

You see, in our minds Forever is a beautiful picture we paint. It would be great if some things last forever, but they don’t. Forever is a word that means there is no end. But as we all know, each of our lives does eventually come to an end. So forever is a hard word to say.

So what about promising “til death”? Well, believe it or not I also have qualms about that too. I know, I know…the point of marriage…blah blah blah. But look at the divorce rates now-a-days. Is it wrong of me to say that promising “til death” is also somewhat of a lie? Thing is…the future is out of our control. Promising someone something that ceases to exist as of right now is a lie. It’s like saying, “I’ll give you half of the lottery I win one day.” You may win one day but chances are you won’t and you would have lied to that person.

My theory for my  “Fredding” is this: Promise the man I love TODAY. I will give him this day, this moment, this breath. I will give him what I already have. I will give him love, trust, and respect. And as long as life allows for us to be together, I will be the best version of me for him. I will remain faithful to him as long as we are together. I will make us work because I love him. But I keep in mind that life is fragile, unstable, and always throwing curve balls. I keep in mind that 20 yrs down the road we may be two totally different people who are miserable together. That maybe 30 years down the road we realize that fighting for us isn’t working and we’d be happier apart. Now, some of you are probably shaking your head at this, thinking I am a coward who is afraid of commitment. But that’s not it at all. I am committed to things and people that I love. And so help me God if I ever just give up on those things or people without a fight. But sometimes the fight just doesn’t cut it and you have to surrender.

In saying that, let me point out that my vows to my man on this “fredding day” would be just as solid to me as a signature on paper.

You know, there was a time where marriage was a very different traditional set up. The veil used to actually cover the woman’s face completely so that the soon to be husband could not see it until he removed the veil. In some cultures the parents marry off their daughters, they choose the husband for them. Not every wedding or marriage is the same. So each person has to decide for themselves what they can or are willing to do. Myself, personally, I am willing to stand before my closest friends and family and vow to love this man who stand before me so completely, and to ask my family and friends for their wisdom and experience to help us get through all the good times and bad we will encounter together.

I know this is all crazy talk for some people so let me simply say it like this:

When you make a promise, make sure you can keep it. Love deeply and focus on today because today is all any of us has. If you wake up tomorrow then take great pride in that and continue to love some more tomorrow. But let go of expectations because that is how people get let down. Life is not black and white, things do change, circumstances and people do change. Nothing is forever. But today is beautiful, so live it and be content in it! And remember that something does not have to last forever to be beautiful and memorable.

Til next time!
~Tanya~

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Here’s To The Past, Present, & Future! Cheers To That <3

After bringing in a New Year just a few weeks ago, I decided to ask myself what it is I wanted out of 2013. What I wanted to see change from 2012. I started asking myself what it is that life really means to me. Tanagain
Well, I went to Google for some inspiration about life, but there was nothing there that I hadn’t read before. It’s inspiring and all, but I have heard it all before and it wasn’t really the answers I needed.
I thought maybe if I made a New Year’s resolution then at least one or two things would change.  But still, something felt empty and I wasn’t getting what I was really looking for.
After telling myself over and over and over in 2012 that 2013 would be a MUCH better year, I had a major breakdown on the very first day of the year, January 1st! I was miserable and I didn’t know why.
The days that followed were a rollercoaster of feelings. One day I’d be upset over silly things like debt or things not going my way, and the next day I’d throw it all to the wind and just spend the day making memories with my kids playing mega blocks and hide & seek.
Finally, I decided that when all the little things are bringing you down it’s usually because there is one very big problem at the core, and I was persistent on finding that thing! I didn’t want to spend my whole year dreading unpaid bills, cold winter days, and lack of money. I mean, there’s ALWAYS something to be ungrateful for and it’s ALWAYS easy to point it out….but to really be grateful for things…well that is a much harder thing to do.
I came to the conclusion that life was not being unfair to me; I was being unfair to life. Here I was just expecting that the New Year would automatically pay my bills, turn my children into perfect obedient angels, turn my attitude into something positive, and bring me a money tree. Sadly, life does not work that way.
I figured out, after reading a lot online, that I have no balance in my life. I have too many expectations and I focus far too much on the future. I plan things that are so far into the distance that I forget the things I am surrounded with in the moment. And when life doesn’t go my way, I lose focus and my world starts to shake!
I needed answers, and here is what I have got so far. (Not in order necessarily)

Zen. I have heard the word before and I knew it meant something “still” and “calm” but I didn’t really understand the full use of the word. So I read a bit about it online. Life certainly needs Zen! It’s like the eye of the storm, the center of the storm. When things are going crazy and fast and bills are not paid and deadlines aren’t met and everything seems so rushed, we need to take that moment to just breathe. To meditate, whether it’s for a moment or twenty minutes, our mind needs rest just as our bodies do.  So so so very important!

Balance. This is actually something I learned a lot of from the movie, Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts. I decided that if the Earth needs balance, then so does my life. I do way too much of one thing and not enough of the other. I don’t give a fair amount of time to all the things that matter. I spend way too much time watching TV and surfing the web and not enough time with my kids. I spend too much time worrying about my diet and my health and not enough time getting outside and breathing in the fresh air. My life lacks a lot of balance and I swore that if I had a New Year’s resolution this would be it. To gain more balance in my life.

Acceptance. This, in my opinion, is probably one of the hardest things to learn in life. To accept oneself, to accept others, to accept that life won’t always go your way, to accept that some things are out of your control, to accept that life won’t last forever, to accept that good things happen AND bad things happen, to accept that expectations will let you down. Acceptance is crucial to get through life. But it’s also very, very difficult!

Slowing Down. As we all know, life is like a speedboat. Everything is fast! We like fast, we live in a world now where we have drive-thru banks,  drive-thru food, extremely fast internet access, fast cars, fast ways to lose weight, etc. Thus, our minds go into overdrive and we start becoming insomniacs because our minds won’t let us sleep or think properly. We don’t know how to turn it off so we rely on coffee or energy drinks to speed us up to get us through our fast paced day. And at the end of the day we wonder, “Where the hell did time go?” It felt like just yesterday I was 16 years old and enjoying hanging out with my friends! We say that our kids grow up way too fast and on our death beds we say that we wish we could just rewind time as our lives just went by too fast. Life needs to slow way down. IN reality, we don’t need things to go half as fast as they do. So in my own life I have decided that it is of the utmost importance to slow things down A LOT and take the time to appreciate what I have and watch my kids grow and change, to breath in the fresh air, to take each moment for what it’s worth to me.

Priorities. I feel like over the years I’ve forgotten the things that matter. I take so many things for granted, because really we live in a time where things can so easily be thrown away and replaced. This mentality shifts focus and I lose sight of the things that matter. So I ask myself, if I had one day left to live, what would I want? Who would I want to be with? What would I be doing? Those are ultimately the things that matter, they are priorities, and they should not be pushed aside until my last few days on Earth. My priorities are my family, my friends, my health, and the memories I make, share, and leave behind. In the end it would not matter if I had thousands of dollars, or if I had unpaid bills, or if I had the best body or the best car or the best TV. My kids matter, my boyfriend matters, my immediate and distant family matters, and my friends matter. In order to make the most out of my life I must shift my priorities in orders. So that is also something I am working on!

These are the answers I was looking for and as I continue to wake up each day and go to bed at night, I continue to learn more and grow more. I could not be more thankful for my life and hopefully I can start this year by showing my gratitude, by making changes, and by…well…drinking lots of wine! (C’mon, ya had to see that coming!)

Cheers to that!
Tanya

 

 

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It’s Not Going To Stop ‘Til We Wise Up!

praying_man_sunset-300x300We call it mental illness. Maybe. Maybe not.

Here is a theory….

Good news doesn’t sell. This is why when you turn on the news stations on TV you are blasted with house fires, police shooting, sickness, poverty, lying politicians, wars, gunmen out of control, etc. Sure, once in a while we hear some good stories like a police officer giving a homeless man a pair of boots. But the good stuff gets overlooked and our minds are now filled with horror stories that not only leave us wondering why we live in such a messed up world but they also leave us living in fear, what’s next?

Everyday most of us open our mail only to see that we’re in debt. Companies are sending us new bills all the time and old bills are left unpaid. GIfts are always waiting to be bought because on top of birthdays and anniversaries, there’s a holiday around every corner. And we often dig ourselves into debt, not only gift giving but also buying things we just don’t need…and we wind up leaving a huge hole in our wallets which soon leaves a huge hole in our hearts and we feel tied down.

Help also doesn’t come easy these days. We’re all so scared to be walked upon that we’re very careful how we offer our help to others. We don’t knock on our neighbors door and offer to bring in their firewood. We don’t babysit for free so the couple next door can get out for a few hours. We don’t give money to random strangers. We walk by homeless people without giving a thought to their stories.

But we’re quick to judge. We’re very quick to gossip. And when there is a horrible story…it floods our homes through internet, TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, etc. Everyone talks about it. Rarely do we ever do anything about it….but we talk about it.

Sure, there are people out there who are mentally ill and they need help and guidance. But have we ever stopped and looked around us, have we ever noticed that we don’t live in a cruel world…we help make it that way most of the time. We eat what we’re fed so to speak. And the pressure starts building and some people are a lot stronger than others and handle it. Some look for the flowers among the weeds. Some appreciate all the good they have. While others simply just can’t take the heat, and some of those people are categorized as “mentally ill” when in reality they are just burdened and overwhelmed with all the negativity we’ve created. Does it make their actions right then when they take that negativity out on others? Nope, not at all. But what I am implying is that maybe there would not be so many “mentally ill” people on earth if the we made the earth a more beautiful place to be. Stopped focusing on the bad, or the end of the world. Stopped pushing our religious or otherwise beliefs on others. Stopped making people into who we want them to be. Stopped giving in to all the bad news. If we just put our cell phones away for a few hours and went out to do some good. But instead we’ve become a society that would rather live in our own bubbles and just ignore what is going on.

I spent the majority of my teen years as a baptized Christian. I walked away from religion when I was in my early 20’s. And although I have no interest in becoming a part of a church again or reading the bible (oddly also full of war stories and murderers and etc), I do appreciate that at least when people believe in a supernatural good being, they have hope and they try to stay positive. Sometimes (I use the word lightly) they even go out and try to make a difference.

Point is, until we (and I put myself in this category as well because I’m not perfect….almost but not quite lol)try to make a positive change and start focusing on all the good around us instead of the bad, there will continue to be more negative drama and more negative events and people and news. It’s not going to stop till we wise up.

I caught myself earlier today feeling sorry for myself because of a conversation I was having with someone. It felt like, “why does the grass get to be so green on their side of the fence while mine is so…” and then I stopped myself. This is what I mean. It’s the thought pattern that even I have come to adapt. Always looking at the negative instead of celebrating the positive.

It’s not too late to take the world by the balls and make a change. Yeah, there will always be heartbreak and bad news, but imagine if the bad news was only a small percent and the good news completely took over?

I dunno, just a late night thought I guess.

~Tanya~

BeFunky_clouds

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