Did I Make The Right Choice?

NewbornWith my arm wrapped around him and my eyes closed with his, Ryver finally went down for his afternoon nap. I usually fake sleeping so he will fall asleep faster but sometimes I do wind up dozing off for a bit.

Today my eyes closed and as my mind drifted away for a few moments I went back in time almost a year now to when the whole experience with Lewis’ birth happened. It was nearly 11:00pm and Mike and I had decided to go to bed. It was my last week of work until maternity leave (even tho I wasn’t due for 2 more months) but I had not been feeling well for a couple days so I had called in sick to work. This day, January 6th 2011, was the day I went into work to sign the official papers and tell them I was done for the year.

Two days prior to signing the papers at work I was getting ready to go in (to work) and as I was brushing my teeth (or whatever I was doing at that exact moment) I fell to the floor on my knees in extreme pain. The days that followed were just as bizarre with pain that severely came and then fled just as quickly.

The night of January 6th 2011 (as I was saying) we went to bed at around 11pm. I wasn’t feeling well at all, in fact I was shivering on the inside but boiling on the outside. We weren’t even in bed five minutes when all of a sudden I felt something and shot right up. It was a gush and the last time I had felt that was when I’d had a miscarriage back in 2009. I just remember getting up and seeing blood everywhere! I was shaking out of fear and shock. Was this really going to end badly?

Somehow I knew the baby was okay though, despite my agonizing thoughts. We rushed Ryver down to my parents place and Mike sped like crazy to the hospital. I can’t even tell you in words how scared I was! I had already lost one baby and was not ready to lose another-this time almost full term!

But everything worked out. We got to the hospital and I got cleaned up and they gave me some pills to try and keep the baby in but he refused and low and behold little Lewis was born at 4:00am (oh boy, I don’t recall the exact hr/mn!). I just remember seeing him for a second before they rushed him down to the Nursery IC Unit. And for one whole month he was kept in an incubator before he was okay to come home. (Man, I am starting to cry).

So I lay there next to Ryver today remembering all of this and it bringing tears to my eyes and the thought crosses my mind as I open my eyes now and look at Ryver and think of Lewis, Did I Make The Right Choice? Was Mike’s vasectomy the right call?

I don’t honestly know if my body or myself mentally could handle another pregnancy. With Ryver I had such bad heartburn it was enough to drive a person crazy. And with Lewis…well let’s just say at one point during my pregnancy I had to have a Dr shove his fingers up my butt (yes, it’s gross, I said it!) and that was a BORDERLINE for me! Believe it or not!

I never fully appreciated or enjoyed my own pregnancies, I was pretty busy looking out for all the crappy things going on to really appreciate all the little things I could have enjoyed. To this day I am so glad I have two happy and healthy boys and I could not ask for more! I guess I just get these moments where I think of all the memories I cherish so much with them and how fast time is already flying. And I just hope, I really hope, that I didn’t make a terrible mistake in giving up more of those memories….cause if I did then poor Mike will have another surgery to look forward to (Insert “haha” here!).

We can’t possibly know what choices we may regret and sometimes we don’t even know what we have until we don’t have it anymore. But we can learn to appreciate what we have and respect the decisions we’ve made and move on to a brighter future.

~Tanya~

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